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it's 5:41 am & i have been awake for a fking hour. i passed out at like 9 last night cuz i couldn't stay awake any longer. karen's dad is fine now. the hospital ppl fked up big time & nearly cost him his life, though. i smell a lawsuit. he'll never be whole again, & it's literally all their fault. karen comes home tonight. whoop whoop! i miss her & i feel very weird when she isn't in the city. she's a piece of my heart already, & we haven't even known each other that long. i would reflect on what happened with her on saturday, but it's such a blur now, as i tend to block out all of the things that make me hyperemotional & wanna cry. this is because i'm afraid to cry sometimes; i might not ever stop. former loverboy & i spoke on monday evening & i realize now that he really was oblivious to all of the things i needed then, & he had to go through all that incapacitation bullshizzle before he understood me. he said he wasn't gonna use me for a crutch any longer -- but only after he decided he didn't need the crutches the hospital gave... lawd help me, i think i'm upset that he's over it. i really am. i still wish that this were a one-sided deal, that i was the one in control. bah. i'm so fking selfish. dave & karas went to bklyn. i am so fking jealous of them. that's okay. next weekend i'll be in chicago w/ beans, jamie, jason, & possibly nate geezie, whose bornday was yesterday...
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