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tonight, i'm listening to res & just thinking about a whole slew of things. i've been at home for the past two days, trying to heal my body. i can't say that i've made a lot of progress -- i'm just happy to be breathing through my nose. that's a great feeling. my lips aren't dry & icky any more; they are officially soft & kissable once more. not like anyone's gonna kiss me. i've no prospects, i am destined to be single, & that's just how it's gonna be. i seem to have a rotten habit going on here -- i like someone & he's unavailable. so then i like someone else, & he's unavailable. then there's someone new, & ... yeah. exactly my point. so i've given up on the bank of fellas i'd love to cuddle & kiss & such; i oughta save the energy that i expend liking these cats & put it to better use. like exercising or something. that's one thing i have simply got to do this month -- hunker down & just get me a workout routine. even if i just start going to the gym on saturdays to lift & go walking the rest of the week, i've gotta work out all this ass i've got. i mean, i'm not working with the kids anymore, so everything's different. i sit down at work, i have decadent, yummy food at my disposal almost constantly -- drinking a lot of water & gnoshing on fruit at least once a day can't be my only health-conscious habits. nah, duke. gotta do better for myself. not like i've ever been much of an exerciser. sports were required in high school, but if i'd had any good sense at all when i graduated, i woulda stuck with lifting. i'd be a wicked muscly beast right now, too. *flex* grrrrrrrrr! i don't know exactly what i wanna do about school, other than not go. really. the semester starts next week, on the 13th, & i ain't even tryna hear alla that. classes, books, homework... ugh. particularly not with a full time job. my head is gonna explode if i travel down that road. actually, scratch that -- i'm writing in this diary because of my need to record my thoughts & feelings, so i'll avoid lying to myself as well as the whopping 3 ppl who read this shit -- i can't do another semester of school living in this house. i just can't. i don't wanna sound like a whiny brat, but that's just how i feel. my family is as functional as they possibly can be, considering how shit used to be, but i can't possibly go to school when i know full well i won't get a moment's peace here. hell, i can't even take a shower without an interruption around here; going to school full time very well may kill me. any time someone drinks your soy milk because they'd rather not get up off their ass & go buy some dairy of their own & then complains about the taste, you know you ain't exactly in the most healthy of environments. i could also be afraid of fucking up. i fucked up before, you know. yeah. flunked my ass right on outta mville. well, this was also after a year and a half of serious depression & fear of my family's dissatisfaction with my not knowing what i wanted to do with myself. but, still, i know how it'll begin -- not doing my reading one night, being late turning in a paper at one point ... then everything will sink. or maybe not. i gotta make some moves, though -- the thirteenth is monday & i haven't even been able to get the morning offa work to go handle some business. i could always just take it, right? yeah! take that shit! i'll leave david a note that on monday morning, i'll be doing the damn thang at school & maybe i can get some things sorted out... yeah. this is a big maybe. school? full time? me? now? right fucking now? maybe. i'll have to do some more thinking about it this weekend. i tell you what, though -- the 10 week accelerated semester might be a good idea -- let me organize myself ... next order of business: jazzy jeff & pete rock are coming! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! january 18, 2003 will be fucking infamous, you hear me? is a shopping trip justified here? hell yeah! i just need new footwear. & a new shirt. probably a new hat. oh, i know. i'm supposed to save money, not spend it. but, shit, it's jazzy jeff & pete rock, for crying out loud. this isn't a typical saturday night @ fluid. nah, duke. t h i s w i l l b e l e g e n d a r y . i've taken out personals ads. yes, it has gotten that serious. since i can't find anyone decent in my everyday social interactions, i guess i'll just make that extra effort to meet someone. not like anyone's responded to any of them. no, of course not. cuz i'm not desperate enough. no, really. there are some desparate looking souls on yahoo & nerve. i mean, there was one chick on nerve who had a picture of herself eating someone out. it was insane. i couldn't believe someone would put their shit out there like that. but i guess it's normal for her to totally broadcast herself like that. there were some cuties on there, but i didn't bother replying to any of them -- i just wasn't feeling gutsy enough. furthermore, how in the blue hell do you respond to a personal without sounding really cheesy & desperate? do you say, "i really like your profile & i think that i might be somewhere near what you want"? ugh. this single life business is difficult. & the hormonal changes i've dealt with in the past month & a half are not to my advantage. i'm quite someone out there can relate to getting it in almost every day & then just *bam*! no more. well, yeah. it sucks. really. i've got other things to worry about now. i don't need to buy condoms or lube or any of that shit. i still have that honey dust, totally unused. but i really think that what i miss the most is not having that physical closeness. he's not pawing at me furiously, trying to take my clothes off while we kiss. i can't lie with him in the afterglow, shivering in his arms, sweat on my brow & our legs wrapped around each other. *sigh* maybe i really only miss being held by someone who means it. i dunno. time for me to wrap this up & get ready for work tomorrow. buenas noches, queridos.
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