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so, tonight, i see ex loverboy. damn. you see, yesterday, we went to lunch. it was my idea -- i just wanted to catch up with him & stuff since i hadn't seen him since december sometime. so i see him & almost immediately, i want to disappear. i feel like none of the anger or tears matter anymore, & that all i really need is him & my life will be fine. yeah. i know. i know i wasn't supposed to want him after all of that hurt & pain -- i wasn't supposed to see him & wish like hell that i could have one more chance. lunch yesterday was going to be a trial run, to see if i still had those feelings. i didn't know what to expect, really, but i doubt that there would have been any way to deal with seeing him & wanting to kiss his lips. i couldn't help it. i just wanted to lean into him & never step back, you know? i wanted to breathe him in ... but i didn't. we ate, we joked, we talked ... he was really vague. told me that shonda was really mad @ him about the breakup, she was convinced that he'd done some horrible thing to make me just give up & walk away. i laughed at that -- what the hell does she know about it? she doesn't e-mail him more than once every month, & i couldn't even tell the last time i heard from her. how absurd. anyway, this isn't about shonda. it's about ex loverboy & me. i asked him if i could see him after i left work today ... he said yes. i was just gonna hang out for a little while, maybe get some of my stuff so i could finally bring it home. but it didn't happen that way. i was tired. i only wanted to lie down. so i did, on his unmade bed ... in all of my layers of clothes, just wishing like hell he'd come over & talk to me. i miss the close talk. so there was small talk about this, that & the other thing ... nothing phenomenal. i sat up to watch television & invited him to sit with me. he did. eventually, we got to talking about more things of substance -- a relationship post-mortem, i guess you could call it. we got to talking about the pregnancy. finally, he said what i'd been knowing forever -- everything changed completely from that point forward. & it really did. i started crying. of course i cried. shit, i had put my whole life into him, & i was preparing myself to stand against my entire family for him. a lot of re-hashing went on. neither of us came to any realization -- we just confirmed that we knew when things got bad. (sorry if you guys & gals think i'm glazing over this, but i really don't wanna get into it on diaryland) he held my hand. i felt safe. i can't remember the last time i felt that way. i thought i was gonna go over there & get some ass, actually. but the more i thought about it, the more i talked to him, the more i discovered that i just wanted the good shit we had even without the sex. i wanted spring, i wanted those weekend-long visits when all we did was make love & eat chinese food. i wanted things to feel good. i wanted to freaking glow whenever a thought of him crossed my mind. that was a long time ago. i ran off at the mouth about how badly i wanted all of that back.but i'm not ready to even try. he said that meant that he wasn't ready. i think that in the back of my mind, i thought that giving him my body would be a peace offering. make-up sex. don't act like you don't know what that is, either. we always used to have big arguments like that -- i'd tell him i wanted to break up, he'd tell me not to go, we'd scream & say mean things ... then there'd be some apology ... we'd kiss... you know the drill. this time i was sitting on his high-ass bed & there he stood in front of me, really close ... we started kissing. i'd never kissed him like that. never, ever, ever. there was something different about this last time. it was a needy kiss, if that makes any sense. i was kissing him like i was fighting to breathe. we started undressing each other ... we stopped. he was about to cry, right in the middle of lovemaking. i couldn't have agreed more. we didn't need to. it just wasn't right. no matter what my body wanted, no matter what his wanted. i got dressed & got ready to go home. i'm supposed to see him tomorrow after work. i hope that it goes better this next time -- my heart can't take all of this.
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