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i did something really kinda fuckin stupid. you see, i was with isaiah last night. he told me earlier in the day, "just as friends. this is a friendly invitation for you to come see me." i thought that was okay. i asked if i might stay over. he said yes. i could even sleep in his bed! oh, this was going to be great -- we could cuddle & talk & all that shit. watch some movies, enjoy each other's company -- something i really feel we'd forgotten how to do. we ate a rather blah dinner (wendy's is such trash, i don't even know why i bothered) & settled in for a night of movies: bring it on & the last dragon. we cuddled, & a bizarre two hour long foreplay ensued. we'd touch, i'd hold him close & blab about how much i missed this, that & the other thing. he didn't say much. he seemed kind of distant. in hindsight, he seemed angry with me. he was very tight lipped, not quiet. he's typically quiet. i asked him, "don't you remember how good it felt?" he said, "yeah, i do." i should have known right then that i ought to get myself together & go home to my mama. but i stayed. [my] clothes started coming off. that is, i can't sleep in jeans. so i took them off. he said he didn't mind. i believed him. i rolled over onto my right side like i always do, so i could go to sleep. he got onto his side & wrapped an arm around my middle. i felt peace. i really did. i felt like i belonged there & nothing could ever be better than that moment. sublime. that's the word i'll use to describe my bliss. i could have stayed forever, just like that. even with my shoulder ache & my hair all over my head. he ran his hand all over me, wherever he wanted, like he was reacquainting himself with my form. i respected & accepted that. i didn't care. i wanted to ease back into the good groove we had going so long ago. by any means ... we shifted at some point, with his back to my chest, & i had wrapped my arm around him. we always used to do that. i'd touch him wherever i wanted & not once did he stop me. i moved away a little, trying to push myself into the wall -- far away from him. i remembered what happened last time. i initiated something that neither of us could deal with, & would be damned if i had to sleep next to him with all that damned discomfort. isaiah pulled me close to him, then kissed my forehead. he got up & then positioned himself between my legs ... i asked, "are you sure about this?" & he said yes.
it kind of bugs the hell outta me to go into detail, but i really do need to do it. i gotta get this shit outta my head somewhat, or i'll go crazy. it bothers me to discuss this further because of a few things, things indicative of a fucked up situation. we barely kissed. isaiah kept his head buried against my chest, holding me as close as possible, breathing with me. i felt safe. i think i might have to finish this later -- it's taken me nearly two hours to type this much into notepad. peace.
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