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so, yesterday i tried to tell the whole story, but i couldn't -- i barely understood what had gone on, so there was no way to accurately recount it. let's just say this: i learned that just because i feel like making love, it doesn't mean i will. actually, i liken friday night to being drunk (flo brown says love is clear with no smell, but plenty buzz; i wholeheartedly agree w/ her) & not understanding what was going on. i was in some ridiculous dream state. i thought he was being weird, but it's always weird when you're trying to reconcile but haven't got a single clue how. talking to mel, she says maybe he's mad @ me for makin him feel shit. you know, like i'm in the wrong because he can't stop caring or whatever. i was mad at him about that a long time ago. back in june, even -- i couldn't leave him because i loved him & let that guide me. god. i just had another thought -- what if he was just fronting? like, what if he wanted to get me into bed, & sleep with me & alla that shit... so he could feel vindicated? & what if he doesn't care how deep he's cut me?
currently playing: "get along with you" by kelis. perfect. it fits like a motha fkin glove. try me / cuz i'd be the one that makes you happy / but the part that i don't get is / why me? / you deny me ... what was wrong with my love?
dammit all, i love him too much to just walk away. & that makes me sad. he can shit on my heart, break me apart inside & i'm just coming back for more. that's sickening. i think i'm in mourning, but haven't an idea what i'm mourning anymore. perhaps it's my innocence i mourn -- before, i never would have presumed that the one person i loved most of all would do such a thing to me. i know better now. when you come from a place of hurt, all you know how to do is hurt ppl. i guess. i don't know. my head is heavy with thoughts. i'm gonna go do something constructive. peace.
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