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i don't know what it is about sundays that make me so sad. probably the impending day at work tomorrow, the grind, the rat race. i honestly feel like i'm running on a treadmill. just running and running, but seeing scenery change all around me, not even realizing that it's the same houses and trees ... *sigh* it's just, like, you know ... moving in circles with almost no hope of stopping. and i don't like complaining about it as opposed to doin something about it, but, shit -- you can only apply for so many jobs at a time, and if they aren't gonna hire ya, wtf can you do? nothing. and i hate doing nothing. speaking of doing nothing ... when people get on their gay-bashing thing, i sometimes feel completely helpless. like ... come on. get off it. why do you give a hot wet shit about what someone else finds attractive? does it really matter that it's a member of the same sex? and why is it your concern, especially if neither party involved is someone you hold dear to you? i mean, come on. is it that serious? but, then again, maybe it is to you. because it's your personal duty to ensure the salvation of every person who crosses your path, right? because you talk more shit about them as your bredren and sistren and how righteous and holy they're s'posed to be, but aren't. just like you. they're lying about it, and you are, too. this was inspired by ricky being an asshole. last night, we were watching the talented mr. ripley; the main character is gay. and here comes ricky with his tirade of "faggot this" and "homo that," and i'm just like, "yo, if it makes you that mad, go outside and don't watch it." he got all 'tudinal, of course. "why you defendin the faggot?" it's not even about that. on a fundamental level, i'm TRYING TO WATCH A MOVIE. be courteous. what an ass. then, this morning he says, "did y'all get that tape from marcus? i know he probably has a whole collection of faggot flicks," laughing at himself for making fun of an feminine 9 year old who embodies most of the sterotypes of what a gay male should be. marcus has 4 sisters, 2 brothers, no strong males in his life, and an abusive mother. the last thing he needs is strangers mistreating him because he doesn't assume the gender roles they think he should. i think it's a damn shame. that little boy has never seen a male be treated fairly in his family. marcus' mother used to beat the hell out of her eldest son. tied him to chairs so he couldn't get away. james fought back one day, so she shipped him off to live with his dad. and now, james is a dad himself. i pray that he gets his shit straight. but marcus. he knows that when you're a girl, you're safe. at least in his family dynamic, anyway. they have aunts out the wazoo, female cousins ... they're important and special because they get dressed up for proms and parties, they have babies and husbands. mommy's suitors treat her like a queen when they see her, while the kids are just staying home, fighting amongst themselves. so marcus wants to be a standout, he wants desperately to be special. he wants someone to treat him like he's loved. so maybe if he acts like a girl, he'll have those things. i'm not saying he's gay. i don't know that. he might not know that. but i do know that his psyche is damaged. he's not allowed to be a girl because he wasn't born as one. but when he tries to be "one of the boys," they shun him. call him a sissy and a faggot. i hate that word. faggot. i can't even begin... oh, and let's not talk about the abusive undertones associated with the word dyke. cuz it's almost obligatory that it be tailed by bitch, slut, or whore. since when is your sexual preference directly related to promiscuity? and, again, why in the blue fuck is it anyone's business who you're fucking or licking or sucking or whatever? who said that because guy A has a crush on guy B, that they have to have sex in order to verify their gayness? who says they don't happen to just have a sexual attraction to each other, but both find women attractive? i think the attitudes that some hetero ppl have come directly from their personal attitudes about sex. like, maybe they have enough baggage when it comes to knockin boots, and they push it off on other folks. if you can't handle who you're fucking, then leave me and mine out of it. i'm beginning to wonder if there's a hetero privilege, similar to white privilege. we don't have that disadvantage -- we discuss relationships, and no one counts it against us. but then again, you don't have to discuss your love life with anyone. it's not an obvious thing like race or sex. but i feel that, as a bisexual female who choses not to disclose that information about myself, i've got a leg up on women who do choose to talk about who they sleep with/ find attractive/ date. honestly. people don't know that about me, because i choose not to put myself in a situation where i may be treated unfairly. and you cannot tell me that the shit doesn't happen, cuz i see it every damn day. she's bi, she's a lesbian, that automatically means she wants to sleep with me. in social situations, folks just talk and talk and talk ... and they have enough rope with which to hang themselves. ever wonder why so many lesbians consciously put forth an effort to assume some male gender roles? because no one is supposed to pick on a dude. a man gets respect just for breathing, while a woman has to fight -- and still won't get it. studs, lipstick lezzies... yo, whatever. you love her, you love her. i can't fucking change that. and i wouldn't want to. it's so damn hard to just love yourself some days; how can i tell you to stop loving someone? wow. i called myself a bisexual female. i can't believe how i just totally categorized the fuck out of myself. but i've been born into a ready made world with categories already set up for me. i just need to learn how to get out of the very same boxes which were supposed to make shit easier on me and everyone else. this is for anyone who was ever too much of something and not enough of another.
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