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aight. so like. of course before i write my entry, the entry i was so damn certain i was gonna write, i read dave's shit, kaya's jawn, and type my lil butt off to natay. that skews my perception of whatever i'm thinking of, somteimes. it also puts shit into perspective. natay illustrated that to me this evening. i'm grateful, but damn, it's taken me nearly 2 hrs to do this shti and all because i stopped to whine to her. whatever. i was gonna get on my lil rant and include the lyrics to "the what ifs" by jaguar wright and *bam* it hits me -- i don't mean it. i really don't. cuz if i did, it woulda been nipped in the fuckin bud ages ago. frill. jag says: "i'm waitin' on the day/ when i can look @ you and know what i see/ i'm waitin' on the day/ when i can figure out why you fuck with me/ i'm waitin' on the day/ when i can force myself to leave/ and i'm waitin' on the day when i don't have to ask why" damn if that doesn't define me right now. i honestly don't know who i'm dealing with any more. i don't know why he's being the way he is -- maybe i'd been dealing with a misrepresentation of who isaiah really is. in that case, i'm sad that it took me a year to learn. honestly, i'd feel like time was wasted. money. energy. my precious, precious time. my body. everything that made me who i was before he came into my life on that level. but, i've become someone i like. so i can't be mad, i guess. right? then, the things he does. or the things i allow to happen. or the things i perpetuate and then resent him for. whatever one might call it, i hate all of it. if i didn't allow it, it wouldn't happen. so there. that's it. i let it go on for some reason that i just may discover at the end of this entry. we'll see. i haven't forced myself to go. i just haven't. i'm not ready, the time isn't right. but heaven knows that it coulda happened a million times already. i'm not gonna run from him into someone else's arms just because don't wanna be with him. that's foolish. i'll be patient and wait on the universe to unfold as it should. finally ... i wanna stop asking why. but what will it mean when i finally have my answer?
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